Apparently it’s better to give than receive but we say fudge packer to that. What your loved ones buys you for Christmas can say volumes about the state of your relationship.

If you find any of the below in your Christmas stocking then it’s time to take action.


Rainbow Wind Chimes
No prizes for guessing that this is a ‘not so’ subtle comment on your excessive wind problems. Your other half is trying to raise the issue of flatulence and it’s perfectly acceptable to ignore such an affront. Your rainbow raspers are a musical and fragrant gift to the world. We say re-wrap it and give it to a faggie friend next year. If they don`t have a garden, who cares, it`ll brighten up their bad taste in interior design.



Pride Watch
If you happen to unwrap this little beauty on Christmas morn then your other half is a smart arsed, lily livered snake in the grass. He/she is trying to tell you that you’ll soon have ‘time on your hands’. The sucker is getting set to dump you, so best get in there first.




Xmas Teddy
If your lover buys you something cuddly and gay for Christmas then you should be very worried. He/she is obviously comparing you to something furry, fat and stuffed. It’s only a matter of time before you catch him or her half way up your next-door neighbour. On the plus side, these items are usually highly flammable and are perfect fodder for slipping, flaming of course, through said neighbour`s letter box. Disco inferno indeedy.




Rainbow Robe
Joseph and his Technicolor pack-a-mac would have nothing on you in this abomination before God. Your beloved is obviously terrified that you shag any tradesman that stumbles across your knocker. This outrageous attempt to de-sex you is a heart-wrenching cry for help and should, quite rightly, be ignored. You could always fake a chip pan fire and claim that the robe saved your life by dowsing the flames? Thank you sweetie.




Private Pillows
Hmmm…these little fluffy gems are a blatant attack on your sexual bits and doings. Your ungrateful spouse is trying to suggest that you should consider enlargement surgery. They are obviously unsatisfied with your facilities so we say withdraw them until further notice. If they’re looking to ‘go large’ then let them try a spot of rubbing with these acrylic beauties. Remember that these pillows can lead to suffocation. Bonus!




Chocolate Body Paint
Oh dear – you’re married to a freak. If your partner gets turned on by the thought of you covered in sticky brown stuff then dump the loser before he/she gets the urge to do the ‘Christine Hamilton’ squat on you. Those alarm bells should be a ringin’ like buggery.




Gay Boomerang
Another cryptic little gem from your ‘oh so’ funny other half. Not matter how hard you try to ‘chuck’ a boomerang they keep on coming back. Are you not taking the ‘relationship over get outta my life’ hint? Perhaps it’s finally time to continue the boomerang theme through and whack the clever sod solidly around the back of the head.



Ever received a dodgy gift? Do share