Buying your other half something utterly gorgeous can do wonders for your perfect boyfriend status. And it’s no-one’s fault if the little gift happens to be more suited to you than him - "I saw this and thought of me" - it’s the thought that counts, after all.

However, do yourself a favour and avoid these little horrors.

Pop Out Pants
No matter how sexy they look on the packet, any underwear that fails to cover is a serious no-no. None of us are as perky as we used to be, and there’s no greater passion killer that reminding your boyf his arse is out to pasture.

Pamper
Those little packaged pampering breaks are marriage wreckers, I tell you. Splashing out 350 quid for some tanned Danish Adonis to massage your boyf’s naked buttocks at some retreat in the country is sheer madness. You might as well pimp him out and be done with it!

Sex Toys
Designed to spice up your sex life, they say – designed to get stuck and later removed by a trained medical professional, more like!

Potions and Lotions
While bubble bath and smelly arsed gifts may be a safe bet, it’s best to avoid those designed to banish wrinkles. Those anti-ageing creams can and will lead to a catfight on Christmas morn if you’re not careful. Gay boys don’t do the ageing thing well – let Dale Winton be a warning to you all.

Kiss and Tell
While we’re on the subject, avoid those naff queenie books that sneak out at Christmas. No matter how much your other half used to love Supermarket Sweep, he won’t want to sit through 350 glorious technicoloured pages of Dale grappling with his sexuality. Some things are best left to the imagination, you know. Other ones to resist are Christopher Biggins’ Naked Yoga and Cliff Richard’s Juicy Grapes - he makes wine, you know.

Anything Cuddly
Cute they may be, but buying your other half something dumpy and stuffed just about says it all. In all likelihood, your other half will see this stuffed mammal as a substitute for your good self on cold winter nights. While some of you may be happy having some fuzzy arsed chicken as competition, the rest of us still have a sex life...

Vouchers
Buying your other half vouchers is a serious no-no. Rather than conveying the sentiment of good will it smacks of ‘you’re a difficult enough bugger in the first place’. If you really can’t think of any gift ideas then at least stump up the cash – we don’t all buy our knickers from M&S!

Cristmas……..bah humbug!

Buy The Santaland Diaries, by David Sedaris, online and save yourself some money while enjoyoing the perfect anti-Christmas present from one of America’s most prickly, and most delicious gay comic talents. Alternatively, if you missed it again, get The Wizard of Oz on DVD.