Hold tight – we’re rattling towards Christmas at Reindeer on roller-skates speed. Before you know where you are, you’ll be elbowing Winona out of the way as you dash through any old department store picking up random shiny things.

What you need is a mid-week shopping day. However, don’t go wasting any of your precious annual leave - why not do a ‘crafty’ and pull a sickie?

Preparation
The art to pulling a good sickie is in the preparation. Detailed planning and fall out strategies are the key to success here. Try sowing the seeds of your ensuing ‘unwellness’ a few days prior to the event. Now’s the time to practice your ‘sick’ look in the mirror and start work on that Mariella Frostrup gravel! Ensure you raise the palm of your hand to your forehead at every given opportunity and begin repeating ‘Is it hot in here – I must be coming down with something’.

Choose Wisely
In the run up to Christmas, the ‘sickie’ becomes ever more complicated. Office parties and heavy weekends are the downfall of many, and practically rule out the possibility of being ill on a Monday. In order to stay on safe ground, chose your ‘illness’ wisely, my friend. Top tips include fevers and the flu, with itchy bosoms and arse ache serious no nos. If you`re up against a wall, then feel fully justified in bringing out the big boys – Diarrhoea and Period Pains! Topic closed.

Poor Aunt Betty
If your acting skills aren’t up to the old ‘I’m not well’ routine, then it’s time to kill off a beloved relative. What with the cold weather and all, `tis the perfect season for culling a beloved aunt or two. Avoid over embellishing, as detail heavy deaths will come back and haunt you. Something along the lines of Aunt Betty and a Juggernaut may even stretch to two days – possibly three…..

The Call
Pick your time to call in sick wisely. You don’t want to end up speaking to anyone important. Set your alarm early and plump for the kleptomaniac night cleaner. A sick message taken and passed on is practically priceless. The Chinese whisper syndrome will have you on life support with hours to live by the time it reaches Personnel.

On Medication
Beware of the old ‘just-calling-to-check-if-you-are-alright’ trick. Bosses love to try and catch you out of your sick bed. Leave your mobile at home and stick with the heavy medication story. Better still, make sure your return to work is proceeded by a heavy drinking session – a full on, face like a donkey’s arse hangover could always lead to the ‘you’re-not-well-enough-to-be-here-go-home’ line!

Caught On Camera
Whilst on your sickie, beware of being caught out and about. The abundance of reality TV shows and workplace docusoaps these days could be your downfall. The last thing you need is to be filmed browsing through the frillies in some Marks & Spencer fly on the wall knicker-sellers show. It’s all a matter of adopting a cunning disguise. A Joan Collins wig, badly fitting leggings or jaunty bobble hat should suffice in making you blend into the land of the midday housewife.

Out of Role
Do remember that you haven’t actually got a nasty bout of Gout or that your Aunt Betty isn’t wrapped round the wheels of a 10-wheeler. Make sure you enjoy your day release from the office to the full…….After all, you’ll be for the chop come Monday!

Happy shopping!