The perfect accessory for the swinger dyke about town, sexy personalised car number plates declare to the world that you’re ready and available as you zoom off in a cloud of exhaust fumes.

Sexyregistrations.com, most of which is under construction, declare that they have loads of sex-themed registration plates for sale, alongside more generic ones. But sexing up your rusty banger doesn’t come cheap.

So what do you get for your money?

The self-explanatory plates are the most expensive. KINKY is for sale for a whopping £60,000, but those on a tighter budget can always settle for S2XEY for a mere £2,000. A simple £15,000 will buy you ORG 454M, one of those number plates that you simply understand, even before your brain has had a chance to work out the code.

The price may be off-putting, but at least the person sitting behind you in a traffic jam will understand what your car is trying to say about you. Sadly, most of the sexy registration plates are weirdly spelled – or just plain weird.

I am told by Sexyregistrations that SHA 6IN reads as “shaggin’”, and SLA 93R translates as “slapper”. The same goes for TOTIE, which is supposed to spell “totty”. Did these people never go to school?

Whilst having an enthusiastically mucky mind is a bonus in the world of sexy car registration-plate dealing, I should point out gently that sometimes sexy words seem to be cropping up where they don’t actually exist, possibly in order to squeeze out a few more thousand pounds from some poor, sad, desperate – and horny – punter.

Some number plates resemble puzzles that needs deciphering. If you squint hard enough and suspend disbelief, CUN 7L looks a tiny bit like “CUNT1”, a snip at £3,500.

A few sex-related number plates are merely peculiar. What is NUB 53X (“nub sex”)? Or even LOB 53X (“lob sex”)? Both BLU3Y and BLU6Y are number-plate representations of the word “bluey”. Eh? I’m a woman of the world, but I’ve never come across this strange expression, and at £15,000 I’d like to know what it means.

Others aren’t very sexy at all. B1 JST reads as “bust”, possibly the most unsexy word for tits ever invented. B19 PUS is supposed to boast the size of your chuff, not the fact that you have an abundance of pus in your body. Likewise, CUM 7IT spells “cum tit”, but also looks a bit like “cum zit”, something that might appeal to those who fetishise pimple-squeezing, but few other members of the general populace.

Some sexy registration plates are too tragic to be true. BOO 853X translates in registration-speak as a Benny Hill-esque “boob sex”. Phwoarr! Even worse are GOB 4L and GOB 8IL. I know that your brain is probably reading these plates as “gerbil”, which is another story altogether in terms of strange sexual practices, but these are meant to translate as “gobble”. Nice. Pity the person who shells out serious smackeroos for SOR 45S (that’s “sore arse” to you and me). On the other hand, maybe it’s serious smackeroos that they’re after.

But enough griping. There’s obviously a market for this kind of thing and nobody can stand in the way of progress where car fashion is concerned. This only leaves me to reveal those registrations that are on my personal wish list. For a start, there’s SHE 8O5S, or “she boss”, which could sit happily above the bumper of a sexy sports car. How about coyly butch SHE 80Y for the accompanying Mini? If all else fails, there’s always WAM IT – succinct and to the point.

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